American parking policy is real socialism

Editor’s Note: This article originally appeared on City Observatory and is republished with permission.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has denounced President Biden’s $ 3.5 trillion spending program as anti-American socialism. Rubio says:

Ultimately Americans will reject socialism because it fundamentally goes against our way of life.

This is not correct, of course. Socialism is well established in the United States, at least for the storage of cars; something that is near and dear, certainly to Republicans. Do you think otherwise? Before speaking out against socialism, Senator Rubio, think about this prospect.

Comrades, rejoice: Faced with the neoliberal counter-revolutionary assault, there is at least one arena where the inalienable rights of the people reign supreme: the parking lot.

Do not be afraid, comrade sister: you will not have to look for a parking space in our socialist utopia!

We may not be able to make health a right or housing a right, but the only place where the revolution has clearly managed to usurp the market is parking lots. Each workers’ council (although it may still fall under the pre-revolutionary nomenclature of “municipal councils” or “townships” or “town planning commissions”) established the right of every citizen to abundant and free parking.

For anyone, we can designate the parking lot as a place where private property and the inherently inequitable forces of capitalist distribution do not disadvantage the working classes and the poorest among us. There can be massive inequalities in other aspects of life, but every citizen is guaranteed equal access to adequate parking spaces. To paraphrase Anatole France, the law in its majesty also protects the right of the rich and the poor to park their huge sport utility vehicles pretty much where they want without having to pay a dime to do so.

Certainly we may face public opposition from reactionaries in the media, such as New York Times columnist Tim Egan, who decried the efforts of Seattle residents to secure better access to housing as a conspiracy between socialists and promoters. Tosh! As we have shown with our parking requirements, we will bend the developers to the will of the people.

Across the country, city councils have ruled that the citizens’ right to parking is supreme. No bourgeois promoter can build as much as a small store or an apartment without adequately catering for the needs of the automobiles that can travel to or from these destinations. We may still have a hard time demanding inclusionary zoning for people, but we have long achieved inclusionary zoning for cars.

Together, comrades, we embrace the timeless historical wisdom encapsulated in the ITE Parking Manual, which ensures that every citizen has sufficient parking spaces at each of the places where they may wish to store a vehicle.

To those neoliberal apologists and facilitators who call themselves “economists” and claim that socialism is flawed and impractical, we can proudly point out the success of the parking supply diktats established in every community, large and small.

The production of parking spaces exceeded the quotas established in the community plans. Comrade Scharnhorst produced a report which shows that in Seattle there are 1,596,289 parking spaces, more than 5 parking spaces for each household: indeed, a triumph of the planned economy! (Now if we could just figure out how to get one house per household?)

Indeed, the production of parking spaces continues to reach glorious new heights.

Scharnhorst cleverly infiltrated the Mortgage Banker’s Association to gather the data for its report; as VI Lenin predicted, we will hang the capitalists with the rope they sell us; If surely the great professor had written in this century, he would have said that we are going to disrupt capitalism with the big data downloaded from their waiters.

Courage, comrades: whatever our challenges in other areas, we can proudly tell the masses that we have succeeded in establishing a socialist utopia for the storage of cars. Cheeky!

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